Never Seen a Bluer Sky
by Touch of Gray
Summary: Her heart will forgive her for loving a foolish dream. ::BalthierAshe, collection of oneshots::
1. never seen a bluer sky

**never seen a **_bluer sky  
_(freedom)

**1. At **sixteen, she is standing in the doorway to the Palace of Nabradia, worrying a handkercheif in her hands. Her father is beside her, tall, proud (_slightly stooped, getting old_) and stately, ushering her inside to meet with her future husband, a man she's heard of - in the streets of Rabanastre, the girls giggle about the handsome Prince Rasler-Charming - but has never seen. Her first glimpse of him is from a distance, far off in the hall. His hair shines in the candlelight and glints off a laughing face.

He is more than handsome, she thinks, he is beautiful. And in her mind, he wants nothing more than to take her hand and fly away into the blue, into freedom away from responsibility and kingly duites and crowns and dresses. In her mind, he will sweep her off her feet and take her far away to places she's only ever heard whispers of. In her mind, she already loves him, blond hair and bright eyes and kind smile and what will surely be strong hands to carry her away (always away, because being a princess is so stifling even as she dutifully follows it. He will carry her as far as she asks him to and then bring her back because he will know her better than herself and he will know what she needs.)

In her mind, she loves him. In her heart, she's not so sure.

(But her heart will forgive her for loving a foolish dream. Her people won't forgive her for following it.)

**2. At **seventeen, she is standing at an altar in a cathedral, shaking with nerves and something else she either can't or won't name. Prince Charming himself is standing in front of her, handsome, regal (_saccharine, a little bland_) and smiling at her. She smiles back, hoping it doesn't look forced. She loves him, yes, but would loves her idea of him more.

She supposes that she shouldn't be disappointed. Rasler is, after all, the Crown Prince of Nabradia. He can't very well swoop off into the sunset whenever he wants or take her on a moonlit stroll because she's feeling down. Anywhere he goes (and anywhere she goes as well, but lately they've been the exact same thing, which is annoying as much as it is sweet) he is trailed by guards and servants and soldiers and in the entire year that she's known him, she's never been alone with him. Which makes the coming night all the more terrifying.

What does one do when one has to sleep with a person one's never spoken to privately? What does one do when one wants nothing more than to escape like a dove out of a cage, to fly away and never look back? What does one do when one is marrying a man one only sort of loves?

Love will come, she tells herself, and it isn't really a lie. She thinks that he must be fascinating behind the solid exterior of "I Am A Prince And Must Act As Such" that he puts up in public, which is everywhere for royalty. She thinks that he must have some delicious secret underneath it all. Maybe he likes to slide down banisters or roll down sand dunes. Maybe he's just as wild as she is, past the facade.

(This isn't a false hope, she tells herself, and half-wishes to be set free.)

**3. At** eighteen, she is newly widowed and finds herself far more wounded by Rasler's death than she ever would have expected. For all of his faults (he was a little boring, and didn't have much of a personality when it came down to it. Just politics and... politics), he was a solid rock that she'd come to rely on over the past almost-a-year-but-not-quite. She'd gotten used to his presence beside her, to waking up to a faint kiss on the cheek and his morning breath. She'd gotten used to seeing him and gotten used to being just a little disappointed in everything.

It wasn't his fault that she expected more of him than he could give. It was her fault that she only maybe loved him. It was her fault she wanted him to be... Something else she still couldn't decide on. Maybe a little more spontaneous. Maybe anything but a prince.

And she thinks that that must have been the barrier between them - he was a prince, and was therefore just as trapped as she. He could no more save her from the confines of royalty than he could escape himself. But she fooled herself into believing that he would save her, could save her, should save her (even though she never really needed rescuing). And now he's dead and she's lost her rock of support and her comfortable lie and she has nowhere else to go.

She does not want to cry over him or her father or Captain Basch or the fact that she is now the Queen of a conquered country or the fact that she has nothing left to lose, and surprises herself when she sobs for a full hour in her bath, all alone and just a little bit scared. Just a little bit adrift without him there to guide her.

She dries off, rubs her eyes violently, and is out of the palace before dawn, leaving behind instructions for Vossler to find her in the Waterway and to contact her uncle in Bhujerba. A tiny part of her considers leaving Rabanastre entirely, but she cannot do that to her people. She can't leave them to Archadian tyrrany.

(She just isn't quite sure she can do it to herself.)

**4. At** nineteen, she is standing in the bright light of the Bhujerban Aerodome, trying to decide if it wouldn't be easier to slip away and disappear. Everyone thinks she's dead, right? Her only allegiances are to the dead, right? She could run away, leave it behind and never have to -

But she can't, she can't leave Archades to itself, she can't leave her people to a life underground, bathing in sewers, oppressed. She can't do that to them. She sneaks aboard Balthier's airship and is fully in his seat (it smells like him, an odd mixture of gunpowder, leather, and _freedom_) before she realizes that she's never flown an airship before. She can never fly it away, and even if she could learn before he comes back, how would she know where to go? She can hardly read a map and all of Balthier's are terribly complicated, covered in odd runes and archaic symbols. She nearly screams in frustration.

And then Vaan walks in and everything only sort of comes crashing down, and it isn't until he agrees to take her to Raithwall's Tomb and she's sitting in the seat behind him, disappointed, that she understands. She wouldn't have needed to know how to read a map, or even really how to fly the ship. As long as she could have gotten into the air and made it move, the rest... If Balthier hadn't stepped in, she knows she would have run away, because this is all far too much to take.

She sits behind him, thinking of freedom and of doves and knows, somehow, that he's the ideal she tried to hold Rasler up to. Balthier is the very definition of freedom, of escape. He represents everything she ever desired as a girl, everything she ever dreamed of as a teenager. He is the man that Rasler could never have been. She thinks that, as a sky pirate, he must know something of chains. If she asked him to, he might -

But this is foolishness. She has a country to rule. She has duties that can't be thrown away on an image of deliverance, no matter how wonderful they are. But he is independent and dashing and completely unburdened by any sort of responsibility and that is far more beautiful than his face to her. He could take her away as she once wished Rasler would, and the prospect of that freedom is so tempting, so tantalizing, so close that she can touch it, if she only reached out her hand.

(She opens her mouth to tell him to turn around, to go anywhere else, anywhere but back to royalty, but catches Penelo's eye. The younger girl smiles, and she cannot abandon them.)

**5. At** twenty, she has loved twice and lost twice, and for the exact same reasons.

(Her heart will forgive her, she says, for loving a foolish dream. She wishes with all of herself that she believed that.)


	2. sanctuary

_sanctuary  
_(forgiveness)

**.one.**

Rasler is beautiful, she thinks. Prince Charming, the perfect man, the perfect husband. Rasler is beautiful and charming and wonderful and far too good to be true. She gives her heart to him, they say, the Princess Ashe finally allows someone into her life and falls in love. What they don't say is that the Princess Ashe kept a piece of her heart for herself.

Does this make her cruel, she wonders, to never fully trust her too-beautiful husband? Does this make her wrong, she wonders, to wait for the catch? Does this make her evil, she wonders, to withhold her love?

She smiles at him on the morning of their wedding, and prays that he might stay and heal her from the past several years. She smiles at him and kisses him and holds him tightly at night, and knows that she will never give her heart to him because he will never be able to mend _her._ He will never be able to give her what she needs most - and she can't ask him to because she hardly knows what it is. Maybe a time machine, something that will take her back, or perhaps an airship, something that will take her away.

Or perhaps a reason, something that will keep her here.

**.two.**

He looks at her before he leaves for war, makes eye contact and holds it for a long moment in which her mind is completely empty. There is no remorse or late-blossoming desire. There is no pity or worry. She doesn't think at all, not of brighter days or darker hours, not of his proud body hovering over hers or of his weakness when he draws her near to him. She holds his gaze and watches him leave.

Her first thought, as he descends the steps, is cruel. _I am rid of him_, she thinks, and hates herself for it. He is a good man, and if she doesn't love him, then she at least respects him and enjoys his company. He has been nothing but good to her, and she should not rejoice for his leaving.

This is the catch, she knows, this is the other shoe. She was handed perfection, given the best and the loveliest and the kindest, and it is being taken away from her, beyond her grasp (but not sight or smell or hearing, for she'll always be able to touch him, if only in memories and dreams, but she doesn't think he'll ever be close enough to hold, never again). And she cannot bring herself to mourn.

I am rid of him, she thinks, and spends the next hour locked in her room, trying not to cry.

**.three.**

She receives news of his death as the bells toll dawn, and does not weep.

**.four.**

Basch brings Rasler back upon his shield, bloody and bruised and weakened, and he collapses on the steps before he reaches her. The soldiers accompanying him tell her that he hasn't slept or eaten since Rasler's death, blaming himself for the Prince's passing. A small part of her thinks that he should feel guilty for it, because it was up to Basch to protect Rasler and he's failed at his only task.

What sort of leader would he make, she wonders caustically, if he can't even save his only charge?

But then the moment passes and she swallows her irrational anger, helping the medics carry the Captain back to the best room in the palace - the one that used to belong to her and Rasler but hasn't been slept in for days - and she helps them nurse him back to health. She tells him that she doesn't blame him at all, and lies.

Then she sends him back to war, trusting him with the protection of her father while she buries her husband.

She blames herself, later, for her father's death because she never should have trusted Basch, even though he'd never done anything but help her. Even though she knows very well that Rasler's death wasn't his fault.

**.five.**

Her father is three days in the grave and her husband seven when she finds out that she's pregnant. She throws open the doors to the palace and runs as far away as her legs will take her, and collapses on the steps of someone's home, crying and vomiting and riddled with guilt. When she wakes up, she's in a warm bed with a comfortable pillow and a bowl of soup sitting next to her. An old woman is sitting beside her, watching with sympathy in her eyes.

"Drink this," the woman whispers, handing her a steaming mug, "It will make you feel better, and will take away the morning sickness."

She drinks the tea, bitter and flavored faintly with herbs and spices and maybe honey. It doesn't taste good, but she drinks it, foolishly hoping that perhaps, if she gets rid of the symptom, perhaps the illness will go away, too - and then feels even worse for thinking of a baby as an illness.

This could save the kingdom, she knows. An heir to the throne of Dalmasca could help to drive Archades out and would certainly revitalize the troops. The idea that their royal family will continue, will keep their throne, will still rule - this could be the turning point.

Then why does it feel like such a burden?

She stares at the dregs of the tea in her mug, faintly thinking of fortune-tellers and the future, and asks the woman not to tell a soul what she knows.

The woman watches her for a long moment before nodding.

**.six.**

She ought to tell Vossler about the baby, she thinks, because Vossler is the only person who can and will protect her now. She ought to tell him so he'll help her because right now he thinks he's doing the right thing, but she just can't handle it. She's still throwing up often (though he doesn't know about it, because she's better at hiding things than any of them think) and she's finding it difficult to lead, and even more difficult to train. Vossler knows how awful her swordsmanship is, and has been seeking to remedy that, but -

She ought to tell Vossler, because Vossler would do everything in his power to help her.

This is why she doesn't.

**.seven.**

She wakes up early one morning, bleeding, stomach cramping, and half-expects she can hear the gods laughing at her. She cleans the blood off her thighs and the stone around her and tells Vossler that she's not feeling well.

A small part of her blames Vossler. A small part of her hates him.

(The rest of her is grateful, and she hates herself for that.)

**.eight.**

She knows, the moment her feet land on the ground outside the palace, that her resistance will not work. Vayne expected them, she sees. He knew that something would happen. Maybe he even knows that she's still alive, and if he knows that, then it's Vossler's fault because she trusted Vossler to keep her a secret and if Vayne knows she's alive, then Vossler's failed the same way Basch failed and the same way Rasler failed and the same way - the same way her baby failed, even.

She escapes through the sewers, alone, leaving Vossler and the palace and her own failure all behind for the haven of the past two years. And she is cornered and trapped and knows that she will die and Dalmasca will fall because Dalmasca has been riddled with failure, ever since Rasler married her. And then someone behind her yells for her to jump.

A small, tiny, piece of her - the same piece that hates Vossler for killing her baby and Basch for killing her husband and Rasler for the way she couldn't love him - a small piece of her tells her not to jump.

She jumps.

**.nine.**

Vayne knows she's alive. He comes into the sewers after her and captures her (and the pirates who saved her, which she feels awful for, because even though they're thieves, they don't deserve to be trapped in her web) and he knows that she's alive.

She tells herself that he didn't know who was leading the resistance, that Vossler had no part in this, that he only wished to protect her and help his country. She tells herself that Vayne is simply smart, and Vossler isn't a traitor.

She thinks of tea leaves and fortune-tellers and the future, and wonders what the old woman in her little house must have thought when she heard that the Princess committed suicide. She thinks of her country and betrayal and lies, and of escape. She thinks of leaving Dalmasca behind and of never forgiving any of them. She thinks of Rasler and the way her mind was blank when he left her and wishes for the sanctity of silence.

The sky pirate (not the Viera or the boy, but the real one, the sort of pirate she remembers reading about as a child, the charming and clever one with rich clothes and the upper-crust Archadian accent) leans back and she catches the scent of him, like gunpowder and freedom, and wonders what good could ever come of this.

**.ten.**

She hits Basch across the face when she sees him, less for betraying her and more for failing at betrayal, too.

**.eleven.**

In her uncle's house in Bhujerba, she again thinks of freedom and of safety, of home and love and success. And then her uncle tells her to stay where she is, like a dutiful child. Her uncle will give her what she desires most - _sanctuary_. She could stay here, she thinks. She could stay and be safe and comfortable and taken-care of.

And she can be another failure.

She steals away to take the sky pirate's airship, but finds herself lost at the control panel. He turns up and she sells him stories of treasure so he'll take her as far away from Bhujerba and safety as she can go. He takes the bait, and she's a little disappointed that he's that easy to convince. But then, he's a pirate, isn't he? He's not perfect like Rasler was.

(Somehow, she thinks this makes him more appealing, because if he's not perfect like Rasler, then maybe he won't die like Rasler.)

**.twelve.**

Basch tries desperately to protect her, to keep her as safe as he can, and Balthier only helps her when she needs it. Basch goes out of his way to keep her from harm and Balthier heals her when she gets hurt. She wishes that she could believe they both only want the best for her, but Basch is still searching for absolution and Balthier for personal gain.

She doesn't think Basch really wants her to forgive him. She thinks Basch really wants her to hate him because then he can hate himself in peace. For a while, she complies, but then she simply feels sorry for him. Basch doesn't deserve her hatred.

Balthier probably does, though, being a sky pirate. But she can't make herself hate him and she doesn't want to face the reason why.

He is everything that Rasler was not, and he doesn't forgive her for her failings. He expects her to take what she came for, he expects her to play her part and do her job. It's something so foreign to her - to be treated as an equal, not as someone to be prostrated to or protected or feared. It's exhilarating.

**.thirteen.**

She does not love him, she tells herself - she's in love with what he stands for, that she can admit - but loving him is impossible. Not with what she's lost to almost-love. If sort of loving Rasler took so much away from her, how much more will loving Balthier take? It isn't a feasible dream; he's a sky pirate in search of treasure and she's a princess in search of a crown. When either of them get what they need, they'll go their separate ways and lose contact altogether.

She does not love him, she tells herself, and lies.

**.fourteen.**

She doesn't think of anything when he leaves for the Bahamut, not of the scent of his cologne or the sound of his voice, not of the way he says her name or of the way he trusts her to do what she has to. He glances at her for one short second before he leaves and she won't make eye contact. Instead, she watches his collar and lets him by. There is no remorse or surge of affection.

There is only fear. This is the catch, she thinks, this is the other shoe - she was given a second chance (third chance, really, if she counts her baby, which she usually doesn't), only to have it, too, taken away by circumstance. She half-expects she can hear the gods laughing at her.

He walks away and leaves her behind the way she left her failure and her past. And for a split-second, she thinks about going after him, considers stopping him and dragging him back and holding him tightly to her the way she never did Rasler and the way she never did her baby, thinks about crying to him and begging him and screaming at him and being as immature and un-Princess-like as she can be, anything to save him, and by default, herself.

She sits down and lets him leave.

_coda_**  
**

What could have happened, she thinks, had she been a little more daring; what could have happened, had she ever really believed in risks, is that she could have gone with him and escaped her past and failure. What could - she would taste freedom.

What does - she puts Rasler's ring back on her finger.


End file.
